当孩子撒谎时……
When a Child Lies
作者 Hartwell-Walker, Ed.D.
来源 .com
“我儿子10岁了，他总爱撒谎。我问他作业写完了么？他说‘写完了’，但其实没有。问他要去哪儿，他会直视我的眼睛回答去朋友家，而我知道他肯定盘算着去别处。问他天蓝么？他会说不蓝。
而最令我担心的是他撒谎时面不改色、心不跳。表情自然到让人难辨真假。我能做点什么阻止他成为一个骗子？”
——马里昂沮丧地说。
Marion is upset. “My 10-year-old son is lying all the time. If I ask him if he’s done his homework, he says ‘sure’ even if I know he hasn’t. Ask him where he’s headed and he’ll look me straight in the face and tell me he’s going to a friend’s house when I just know he’s got somewhere else in mind. Ask him if the sky is blue and he’ll probably tell you it’s not. What worries me most is how smooth he is. It’s gotten so know when to believe him. What can we do to stop this before he turns into a con artist?”
孩子说谎让很多父母感到不安。我们都希望孩子是诚实的人，尤其是对自己的父母要诚实。当我们把撒谎行为看作是一个问题的时候，理解撒谎背后的意义就更为重要。因为谎言和谎言不同，有的“撒谎”并非撒谎。
Lying is something that seems to unhinge a great many parents. Yes, it’s worrisome. Yes, we want our ch to be honest, especially with us. But before we see every stretch of the truth as an that the kid will land in the pen, it’s to un what’s behind the lies. All lying isn’t the same. All “lies” aren’t even lies.
Stage
孩子不是生来就懂道德。他们需要在成长的过程中去学习和领会。大多数孩子大部分时间都在试着理解这些问题，他们明白了有社会规则存在，他们经常观察成年人会怎么做，以及如何面对外部世界。什么是讲真话，什么是撒谎，这些都是孩子随着成长才懂得的概念。
Kids aren’t born with a moral code. It’s something they have to figure out. Most kids most of the time want to figure it out. They get it that there are social rules. They watch us adults constantly to see what they are supposed to do and how they are supposed to negotiate their world. The need for truth telling and the ability to un the concept of lying are things that kids grow into as they grow.
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• 从出生到3岁前，孩子处在一个高度混乱的世界里，他们依靠成年人来获得基本的生存需要。这个阶段那些看起来像“谎言”的东西，要么是诚实的误解，要么是出于自我保护，要么是为了安抚成人。
他们会从成人的语气中得到暗示。当成人愤怒地咆哮“你把罐子打碎了吗?”时，大约会得到一个“不是我”的答案。
“你偷吃饼干了？”
“没有，不是我。”
没有哪个孩子愿意和自己依赖的成年人发生不愉快，他们当然会说“不是我”。大人愤怒的语气吓到了孩子，他们只是想让自己感觉安全。
From birth to 3, kids are in a highly confusing worl they are on adults for their very survival. Often what looks like “lies” are either honest m or efforts to protect themselves or to mollify the grownups. They take their cue from our tone of voice. “Did you break the jar?” sa is likely to get a “Not me” response. “Did you eat the cookie?” “Not me!” Of course not. Kids don’t want to be in trouble with the adults they on. The angry tone in the adult’s question scares them. They just want to make things feel safe again.
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• 3至7岁的儿童处于现实与想象混淆的阶段。他们在游戏中创造想象的世界，有时会把想象和现实搞混。
成年人经常觉得他们很可爱，也鼓励孩子开动想象。我们会让孩子在餐桌上为假想的朋友留一个座位、我们讲牙仙子和圣诞老人的故事。
因此，不难理解为什么有时孩子会感到困惑。我们不想扼杀他们的创造力，但我们确实需要帮助他们弄清楚什么时候可以讲“故事”，什么时候不能。
Ch from ages 3 to 7 are still f out the between fantasy an. They create worlds in their play. Sometimes they’re not clear where their creations leave off and the real worl. We adults often find it cute an in the fantasies. Many of us have set a place at the table for the friend. We encourage belief in the tooth fairy an. No wonder they’re sometimes confused. We don’t want to shut down their creativity but we do want to help them sort out when it’s appropriate to tell tall tales and when it’s not.
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• 5到10岁的孩子开始逐渐理解撒谎的意思。如果他们在家庭、社区和学校受到的教育有明确规定诚实的重要性，他们都会尽力遵守。
这个阶段的他们，想成为“大孩子”，得到成人的认可。他们想站在真理和正义的一边。他们还会互相监督，包括监督成年人。
当他们发现某人撒谎时，就会大叫着“骗子骗子，裤子着火了”（类似顺口溜的玩笑话）。
From ages 5 to 10, kids gra an un of what it means to lie. If they’ve been raised in a home an an where there are clear rules about the of telling the truth, they will do their best to comply. They want to be “big kids.” They want adult approval. They want to be on the side of truth an. Kids being kids, they will also monitor one another – and us. They’re the ones who will shout “liar liar, pants on fire” when they spot one.
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• 10岁以后的孩子很清楚自己的行为哪些是夸张，哪些是撒谎。
Over 10? They know perfectly well when they are stretching the truth or outright lying.
撒谎的其他原因
Other reasons for lying
既有社会问题也有发展的问题。年龄越大的孩子，这些原因的可能性就越大，也许是不止一个原因。
Social overlap with ones. The older kids get, the more likely one or more of these reasons’ factors in:
• 犯错。有时候孩子就是随便那么一说，就陷入了撒谎坑。
妈妈生气地问：“谁把狗放出去的？！”
小孩脱口而出：“不是我！”
孩子这么说的时候也会心虚，因为就是他做的。你也知道是他，他也知道你知道就是他。接下来他会怎么做？
“也许是风把门吹开了。”
嗯，真相越来越复杂。孩子知道他被看穿了，但就是不想承认。而妈妈也越来越气愤。可怜的孩子，现在麻烦更大了，不只是最初放狗的问题，还有撒谎的问题，和生气的妈妈要处理。
M. Sometimes kids lie w th and then dig themselves in . Mom says angrily, “Who let the dog out?” K says, “Not me!” Oops. He knows he did. You know he did. He knows you know he did. Now what’s he going to do? “Well. Maybe it was the wind that opened the door.” Uh-huh. The truth gets more and more tangled. The k the jig is up but doesn’t want to admit it. The mom is getting more and more angry. Oh boy. . . Now there are three problems: The or issue, the lying, and mom’s anger.
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• 恐惧。与那些无意识的谎言相关的，是恐惧的谎言。
如果孩子身边的成年人让他们感到害怕(比如暴力，不理智，或者过度惩罚)，孩子就会非常担心承认自己的错误会带来的后果，因此就尽量避免这种情况。
毕竟没有人喜欢被吼、被打或被关在房间里，不是么？
Fear. Related to those unth lies are the lies of fear. When the adults in a kid’s life are (v, , or over pun), kids get so worrie the consequences to fessing up to a m they try to avoid it altogether. Un. No one likes to be yelled at, hit, or confined to quarters.
• 摆脱他们不想做的事。
爸爸问：“做数学作业了吗?” 上中学的孩子说：“做了。一回家就写完了。”
但是，儿子讨厌数学。因为他怎么想也想不明白那些数学题，他不喜欢这种感觉，好像自己是个失败者一样。
他不想再纠结，所以干脆撒谎。他很希望明天教室就塌了，这样就不用去上数学课了。
To get out of doing something they don’t want to do. “Have you done your math homework?” says a dad. “Oh yeah. I did it when I got home today,” says the middle school son. Son hates math. Son doesn’t like feeling like a failure because he doesn’t un it. Son doesn’t want to struggle with it. Better to “lie.” Hopefully the math room will have fallen into a s before math class tomorrow so he won’t have to deal with it.
• 不懂什么是社会可接受的撒谎。
当别人问“你好吗?”通常会回答“很好”。这就是一个套路的问候。
但如果你觉得不好怎么办？回答“很好”算撒谎么？
如果某人问朋友“我穿这条牛仔裤显胖吗?”“新毛衣好看么?”“我能成为球队一员么?”他们并不是在寻找一个诚实的答案。而一个孩子怎么会理解这些呢？
Not un when it’s socially appropriate to lie and when it isn’t. It’s a formula question: “How are you?” The formula answer is “Fine.” But what if you’re not fine? Is it a lie to say you are? When someone asks a friend “Do these jeans make me look fat?”; “How do you like my new sweater?”; “Do you think I’ll make the team?” – they aren’t necessarily looking for an honest answer. How’s a k to un that?
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• 一种融入的方式。那些在中学朋友圈里不太有地位的孩子，有时会比那些不诚实的孩子更容易撒谎。
他们撒谎只是为了让自己显得更“酷”。他们通过撒谎来得到同伴的认可。如果做了一些不应该做的事情，也会用撒谎来掩盖自己错的误。他们用撒谎来圆谎。
As a way to fit in. Kids who are less than sure about their standing in the cliques an of middle and high school sometimes fall in with less than upstanding peers. They start to lie as a way to be “cool.” They lie to win peer approval. They lie to cover for each other an their tracks when they’ve done something they shouldn’t. They lie about lying.
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• 父母管教太严苛。如果父母不给孩子独立的空间，那十几岁的孩子只能用撒谎来获得正常的生活。
比如30岁前都不让女儿约会，或者只有考试得满分才能出去玩，以及那些对孩子一举一动和人际关系都实时监控的父母，在无形中让自己的孩子陷入了困境。
因为实话实说不能获得正常的生活，只有心惊胆战的撒谎才能像个正常少年那样。
Parental limits that are too strict. When parents won’t allow them to gain some , teens almost have to be to grow normally. Parents who won’t let their girls date until they are 30, who straight A’s in order to have the pr of going out, or who micro-monitor their child’s every activity an set up a s where kids feel trapped. Tell the truth and they don’t get to do normal, typical teenage things. Lie and they do get to be normal teens but they feel horrible about the lying.
• 有样学样。
如果父母在工作项目没按时完成的时候，打电话撒谎请“病假”，孩子们自然不明白为什么逃学和请病假是不对的。
当父母吹嘘他们在所得税或财政援助表格上作弊时，这种行为正在告诉孩子：只要不被抓住就可以撒谎。
于是，孩子们就不可避免地去尝试他们从家里观察到的行为，而当父母发现他们在撒谎时的反应，又令孩子深深震惊。
Monkey see, monkey do. If a parent calls in “sick” when a work project isn’t done on time, the kids un don’t get why it’s a big deal to skip school or to call in sick to their jobs. When a parent brags about cheating on their tax or a f aid form, it tells kids that it’s okay to lie as long as you don’t get caught. They try out what they’ve observed at home and are often stunned when parents don’t see them as simply doing as the adults do.
• 虽然概率很低，有时候撒谎可能是精神疾病的征兆。
比如品行障碍或病态撒谎。这种通常除了撒谎还同时具有几种其他症状。这些孩子都很擅长撒谎，不管是否有必要撒谎。就像一种反射，并不经过意识处理。
An, rarely, lying is an of an emerging mental like conduct or pathological lying. Usually there is more than one symptom besides the lying. These are the kids who often become so adept at it, they lie whether they need to or not. It’s a reflex, not a cons man.
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